Pondering the Burning Bush

We are apparently deep in the throws of meningitis season as today brought too many children with stiff necks, fevers, headaches.  Lumbar punctures were done.  Antibiotics were started.  Nurses were hounding and hounding to discharge patients to make room for the new ones as they kept filing into the ward one right after the other.  I was frustrated, overwhelmed even. 

Then I received a call from OB/GYN stating that they were going to do an emergent C-section.  Mom had severe pre-eclampsia (bad hypertension, risk of seizures…definitive way to treat is get baby out!), but the child, while term, had multiple cystic abdominal deformities and renal anomalies on fetal ultrasound…this was not going to be a routine STAT C-section. 

So it’s now 7pm on Wednesday night and I find myself, after a hectic day treating really sick kids, standing in the OR going over my checklist of things I need for neonatal resuscitation, getting the table set, the intubation equipment ready.  I really wasn’t sure how the baby would do.  Prenatal care is so limited here…we can only tell so much on ultrasound.  The real test is life outside the womb!  As the OR staff also prepares, I remember leaning my back up against the wall just praying for peace for me and the rest of the staff, peace for the mother who had already lost 2 previous pregnancies, and above all, praying for the baby that it would thrive despite whatever I could do. 

The mother was cut, the baby came out, alas with the multiple deformities that we were expecting.  There was no cry, no spontaneous breaths.  We quickly worked to intubate and ventilate.  Chest compressions were started.  Epinephrine was pushed.  We worked on the child for about 30min before I pronounced death.  We did everything we knew to do.  And I could be at peace with that.  It was still so hard showing mother her child and being witness to the pangs of grief that gripped her. 

I didn’t cry…I usually don’t or can’t…it would be too hard to endure in this kind of environment if I lost composure for every child that passes or every kid I see in pain that I can’t fully help with my medical expertise or the tools afforded me here.  But inside, I was grieving.  And it made me question again my calling to come here. 

Not that I am doubting, just questioning, wondering why God chose me.  Will His purpose of bringing me here be made fully clear?  Am I really making much of a difference?  Am I really touching and saving lives?  …It’s hard to see Him through all the death sometimes.  I thought I was coming here to find more intimacy with Jesus, but instead of fullness of His presence, I am feeling a lot of heavy heartedness.  I guess God speaks volumes in times of tragedy or hurt, at least that is how the old time saying goes.  A friend of mine once said that God rarely calls the qualified, but rather He qualifies the called, and I forget from where she got that quote.  I don’t feel qualified to be here, I’m not even going to pretend that I do.  I am beginning to identify with Moses at the burning bush, one of the best examples of God empowering the most unlikely of candidates (Exodus 3 & 4).  Surely with Him we can do all things (Philippians 4:13) and apart from Him we are nothing (John 15:5).  As a testament to Him, the Lord has never left me nor has He forsaken me, and He continues to provide all that I need. 

The questions I am asking myself and asking God are similar questions we all ask in the usual humdrum and challenges of life, whether it be from a new exciting environment in some obscure corner of the world or whether from the comfort of our own homes and all that’s familiar.  My prayer for myself and for all of us in 2017 is that we all seek to walk humbly before the Lord Jesus Christ, trusting in His guidance despite our lack of understanding in whatever circumstances He brings our way.  Surely God’s ways are not man’s ways
(Isaiah 55: 8 & 9), and that’s exactly what makes Him God, to be revered and worshipped. 

Ecclesiastes 12:13

Warmest greetings in 2017 and beyond!

Steps & Storms

This isn't the first time I've had to adapt to being in a very new place for an extended period.  I am finding so many parallels to what I was thinking and feeling when I left for Ireland during my study abroad semester in college.  I remember the anxious anticipation of boarding the plane, thinking of all the possibilities and the kinds of adventures I would have along the way, the people I left behind, and the new friends who were awaiting my arrival.  It was exhilarating in my 20 year old mind, but then reality hit when I actually landed.  I was a stranger in a strange land, and somehow I was going to have to make this work.  I remember being in a frank panic one day coming back from classes wondering how to even navigate the very different European higher educational system.  I totally felt like Peter, absolutely about to drowned among the waves, but thankfully God kept bringing my mind back to the time when Jesus silenced the storm (Mark 4:35-41).  Surely the Lord keeps him in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him (Isaiah 26:3).  I think the story in Mark exemplifies this promise from Isaiah.   

I have been at M'bingo now for just over 2 weeks, and I feel like it has been a relatively smooth transition with a few minor bumps along the way.  Is it because the other missionary docs have been so gracious to welcome me into their family here?  Is it because I've been through these crazy big moves before and each time seems to be preparation for the next? Perhaps a combination of both?  I'm not sure, but I do know that God has reiterated to me the importance of keeping my gaze on Him.  It's when we get distracted, start looking around, feeling our world spinning out of our control that we are filled with panic, and panic is crippling and NOT of God.  Quite honestly, that kind of fear stems from the lie we are buying...that God isn't bigger than all the craziness around us, greater than our storms. 

Another storm hit this past Monday.  It was the first time I was truly on my own in the hospital without the other pediatrician there as my back-up, and it was busy.  I honestly don't know how he has been able to balance everything by himself this past year.  We cover well-baby/NICU, PICU, inpatient pedi, and outpatient clinic as well.  That day I was getting called from PICU for children who weren't doing so great, while NICU was exploding with premature twins, who again, weren't doing the greatest health wise, all while trying to get through rounding on inpatient wards.  And in the midst of all of this, out patients were tracking me down wanting a pediatrician's opinion, medications, evaluations...I felt like I had to be 10 people all at once and I was getting really frustrated...just another moment when I needed the constant reminder to look to Jesus for my solace amidst the wind and waves.  

I'm getting better, better adapted to the new hospital system and the various diseases I've only ever read about.  I'm getting better organized for rounds to help guide the residents and students in their learning.  I am really appreciating the hospital culture that encourages us to pray with our patients.  I try to do this with everyone I'm seeing, It's really fun for me to openly invite Jesus into the healing process for these children and families.  After all, He is the Great Physician, and I only ever saw him do miracles and heal the sick from the accounts of His time on earth, so why shouldn't He do the same now?  We have a beautiful mix of Christians, tribal religions, and Fulani, who are Muslim among our patient population.  I think the Fulani originally migrated down from Northern Africa and the Arabian peninsula but have been in these parts for centuries.  So the fields are ripe for harvest,  I would say.  M'Bingo is really special in that it attracts people from all over, which is a wonderful thing to minister to people and have them go back to their home communities.  Hopefully they only have good things to say about our hospital and keep bringing their family and friends back to see us : )

The past 10 years have culminated with my launch into medical missions.  It's amazing to me how God has ordained every step along the way to prepare me for such a time (Proverbs 20:24).  He has been gracious and gentle all the while stretching and molding me with each phase of transformation into the pediatrician I am today.  Every storm that arises is just His way of calling me back to deeper intimacy, a place of resting in His strength and not my own.  He is truly great, absolutely trustworthy in all things including with my life and the lives of my patients, and you all have been apart of this process because God has placed you in my path to leave your mark on my life, helping me, training, me coming alongside and encouraging me, and I am so humbled and grateful.   

Orientation and Beyond

"If you aren't serious about deepening your relationship with Jesus, then you shouldn't go." ~Keir Thelander (Chief Medical Officer of PAACS-Pan African Academy of Christian Surgeons)  

These were the first words out of Keir's mouth as he stood up to address us that first day of orientation. 'Us' being a group of almost 20 docs fresh out of residency in various fields (orthopedics, neurosurgery, gen-surg, obstretics/gynecology, pediatrics, family medicine, internal med) and now preparing to enter medical missions with Samaritan's Purse. We are headed to various corners of the world (Honduras, Peru, Nepal, Papau New Guinea, Malawai, Togo, Niger, Nigeria, Cameroon, Kenya, and Ethiopia), but the majority of us to the PAACS hospitals scattered across the dark continent.  Keir was dead serious in his statement, and he set the precedent for the next ten days of reflection and anticipation as our mentors prepared us for all that we may encounter in the field.  

They did not sugar coat their advice and admonishments, things that they wished they had known before stepping out, some of them over 10-20 years ago.  Our predecessors recounted how pervasive death will be and how that will affect the young physician.  Doubts will flood in from every direction, as we will question our abilities and whether there was anything left to do.  We will struggle with the schedule, as most of us will be the only docs in our specialty serving a never-ending stream of patients.  Burn out will be much more of a demon ready to pounce upon us than any other time in our lives, definitely more real than when we had certain hour limit protections in training.  And it will be up to us to strike a balance for our time.  Because the reality is, that not being at the hospital will result in people dying, yet even more people will be hurting if we burn-out and pack our bags and return home.  

In much of the world too, death is not the enemy.  I think we have made death an 'evil' entity in western culture, but anywhere else (probably because of lower standards) death is just the way of things, a part of life, not to be railed against (and thus crushed by).  Somehow though, this shift in cultural mindset will not assuage the hurt I will endure when I watch my first patient die.  And that's not an if, it's only a matter of time.  I have been in contact with the pediatrician who I will be working alongside this next year Ethan Helm, and he has had only 1 week since starting this past January where all the children in his ward had survived.  The norm is the passing of at least 2-3/week.  

So, I bring us back to what Keir initially proposed, 'if you want more of God, then, by all means, go because you are running to a world of hurt.'  And that's exactly right, aren't we all called to be the salt and light.  Matt 5:13-16.  Thank God, He has overcome the world and it's darkness,  John 1:5 John 16:33 and has given us His Helper to show his love to others John 7:38, and that's precisely why I'm going.    

***A shameless shout out to an awesome brother of mine John Parker, you were right, Dan Baumann's "Intimacy with Jesus" talk regarding his transformative experience in Iranian imprisonment has changed my life.  Thank you John for sharing, and in turn, I would like to pay it foward.***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSlTVHXF5T0

Hi y'all!

I wanted to qualify my previous post from this morning as I am contemplating privacy issues.  Please EMAIL me if you would like added to my email newsletter distribution list and DO NOT REPLY to the comments section as this is a public blog.  Email communications will be separate from my blog.  I may be able to email prayer requests and quick updates much more frequently than I plan to keep my blog updated. (Blogging will likely be more reflective pieces that I plan to compose monthly).

I will never share your email address.  Once added to my distribution list, you will not be able to see the emails of others included on the mailing.

My email address is listed on my prayer magnets, but here it is again: halke.glenn@gmail.com

Thank you EMPHATICALLY for helping me out.  All of this ground work now will help me stay connected with you once I am in the bush!

Have a great rest of your day,
Glenn

Some housekeeping...

Howdy y'all!

I am here at orientation at Samaritan's Purse's international headquarters in Boone, NC.  The week is going well as they fill our heads and hearts with useful information to ponder.  Feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, but I rest in God's peace.  One thing I know is that I am completely humbled by the prospects of entering into this call...I am beginning to feel incredibly inadequate for all that lies ahead, but thank God! because he chooses the weak to confound the wise 1 Cor 1:27 ESV, and it is not by might nor by power but by my Spirit saith the Lord Zech 4:6 ESV,  and all things are possible through Christ who gives me strength Phil 4:13!

One thing I ask from you, could you please provide me your email address if you would like to be placed on my e-mailing list?  If so,  provide your name and email in the comments section below.  This will help me immensely!  More to come as I finish up orientation and reflect on all God has taught me through this time.

All for Jesus!
Glenn

Isaiah 26:3

I am familiar with the "Do Not Worry" passages of the of the gospels, but I forgot about this encouraging verse from Isaiah.  "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."  Lately, I have been more intentional quieting my spirit-man and fixating my gaze on Him through all the craziness that has been residency...and now through a tumultuousness time that is this new adventure and transition to Cameroon. Despite all that has to happen yet, I know my God is completely in control even though I may not be...and I am becoming more and more comfortable with that idea.  There is ABSOLUTELY, HANDS DOWN no better place to be than resting in the will of my Father.

While our residency graduation celebration happened exactly 1 week ago today, I am under contract until June 30 and am working nights up until the very end of June.  Thus, while for all intents and purposes, I am 'finished', I technically have another week left.  I think everything will be much more real as I'm driving east with El Paso in my rear-view...a bittersweet time indeed.  I have been so blessed by my Rio (church family) and my awesome colleagues and faculty from the hospital...gonna also miss the 300+ days of sunshine and the beautiful Southwest in general, but by far, the magic in any place is the amazing people God places in our lives to challenge, befriend, sharpen, encourage, and love.

I am planning to start my massive road trip east on the morning of July 1.  I have friends in OK, AR, all across TN, KY, OH and SC that I am planning to visit along the way (you know who you are and I CANNOT WAIT for our reunion!!!) My orientation with Samaritan's Purse/World Medical Mission will be July 20-30 in Boone, NC, then will be back in PA sometime early August.  I will be living back in my childhood home with Mom and Dad through October as I am preparing for my pediatric board exam, which I take Oct 18.  I will depart probably a week after taking the examination.  Target date of departure is Oct 24.
While I am excited to reconnect with old friends and family as I make my way east coast, for those of you in El Paso who I leave behind, you have forever touched my life, a transformative force that God has used to shape me these past 3 years. I could never forget you and will always remember this time with a smile and a warm heart.  This will not be a final farewell, more like a 'see you next time.'

With that, I leave you with my residency batch, my friends for life, amazing pediatricians, and just all around awesome brothers and sisters.  It's been an incredible honor y'all!

El Paso Children's PGY-3 Residency Retreat, May 2016.  The Cabin in Ruidoso, NM

Have a God-filled week ahead
~Glenn

Just checking in...

I did some work revamping my blog.  I was unaware that there was no way for you all to subscribe to my blog via email like I had thought (and as I encouraged you to do in prior correspondence).  Now that problem is fixed, so please follow me and get email updates anytime I make a new post!

Hope you all are having a great weekend.

~Glenn

man no be god

I found a book on Amazon (4 bucks if you download to kindle) by Dieter Lemke entitled man no be god.  It's a relatively quick read and is about a Canadian doctor who worked with the North American Baptist Conference at Banso Baptist and Mbingo Baptist Hospital (my future place of service) during the 2nd half of the 20th century.  I'm sure a lot has changed since his retirement back to Alberta but his insights regarding what his practice looked like and the cultural barriers/taboos he had to grapple with is quite fascinating.  It is helping me with context for when I arrive this upcoming October, and I am sure it will help you all better understand what I'm stepping into as well.  Enjoy if you have the time and/or interest.

Warmest regards this blustery January morn

~Glenn

If two of you agree...so shall it be done.

James 5:16 KJV  "...the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."  I am never more enthralled by this promise as when I ponder it's enactment in God's dealing with Abraham concerning Sodom and Gomorrah and regarding Lot's plight (Genesis 18) And the Bible is filled with similar stories. The conversation between Abraham and the Lord is such an incredible interaction reiterating how we can impress God's heart with our prayers and petitions because of how He cares for us. Who are we that He is mindful of us!?! And can I really ask such questions knowing fully well that Jesus gave up everything to free us vile, destitute sinners.  Alas, Christ did just that, so how can I ever question His awesome love especially when approaching his throne room in prayer?

So, yes, above all, I want your faithful prayers to be covering me in Mbingo Baptist Hospital.  I want to be the most effective pediatrician and ambassador of Christ that I can be (as I press into the Great Physician), and I want my successes to be His glory.  I want to be filled to overflowing with His Spirit that rivers of living water will continually flow from my heart (John 7: 38) that I may be an absolute blessing to the people at Mbingo, both to my colleagues and staff as well as the patients.  We are called to be servants as Christ was a servant, and may I never forget this during my time in Cameroon (or my time as a doctor in general).  My prayer is that there would be awesome unity among the missional community and hospital staff, that outsiders would see we are Christians because of our Christ-like love for one another.  I want to never lose my expectations of the BIG God that I serve, expectations of His miraculous healing and provision, no matter how impossible the circumstances might seem.
And I am sure I can think of a thousand other requests, but this is at least a start...

I would be lying if I told you that I didn't have fears and reservations regarding this opportunity to Cameroon.  Firstly, did I learn all I needed to learn in these 3 short years of residency to make it as a pediatrician, to serve my patients well, above all else do no harm?  How will my US training translate into central west Africa where the diseases and patient population are far different from anything I've dealt with in El Paso TX?  How will I adjust to being one of the only pediatricians in a sizeable community without outside coverage and what will the life-work balance look like? (There is no 80hr/wk max average limit as is the custom in residency training.)  And then I am reminded of Luke 12 and the famous passage about laying down anxieties...

As I referenced in my previous post, World Medical Mission has sent me prayer magnets that I am preparing to drop in the mail so that you all can have a reminder to pray for me and all that God is doing at Mbingo Baptist Hospital.
Again, thank you for your support, and as always I will keep you posted on developments as I approach final departure.